These days seem to be piling up like bricks, and it slowly feels like the sun is staring to get blocked out. I am starting to get restless again, knowing me that means I am in need of a change. Last time I was restless I moved out of my parent’s house into a house that I share with one of my best friends.
Still I cannot help but think of all the obligations I have with school. After this semester finishes on December 16th I still have one more semester to go then I am finished with this program. I will be applying for the medic program in the fall but to be honest I am scared. I am scared that maybe I am not making the right choice of career, but at the same time the thought of not being a medic makes me feel sick to my stomach because for the longest time it has been all I have wanted.
I’m torn, anxiety still fills me every now and again, but for the most part I am able to ignore it and live with it. I find myself craving something, though I am so unsure of what it is I seek. It is like I am standing at a crossroads and unsure of where each road will lead me. I am thinking of traveling. Perhaps getting out of this place will help me. I feel fearful of starting a life before I have actually lived. Does that make any sense? I don’t want to look back ten or fifteen years from now and wish I that I did something differently.
Things aren’t as sweet to me right now, and I seem to be lost in trying to decipher the person that I am. There have been bigger things I have been struggling with, and am often reminded that I am not the first person to struggle with these things and nor will I be the last. The thing that is most frustrating is the fact that I am not one of those people that have struggled and made it through, I am going through it now, and there is not grantee that it will turn out fine. I need people to stop telling me it will be fine and everybody goes through it. How on earth is that supposed to be helpful? What is telling me it happened to other people going to do for me? I get angry thinking about it. And then that leads to me thinking about the issues further, and leads to more confusion and anger.
I am running from what some people call a truth and other call a belief, and in the process of trying to piece things together to find where my thoughts on the issue are, I seemed to have lost myself, or at least apart of myself. Or maybe I discovered a part of me I never knew existed and lost it
Anyways for the most part I want so badly to find that feeling or that place or even that thought that says to me Welcome Home. That feeling where no matter where I am I know I am home. Where I am content in my life, where I have stopped searching and debating, and am at peace with who I am or at the very least with my life.
The song that causes me to think of all of this is in fact called Welcome Home by Radical Face, it is a beautiful song and it often makes my heart ach. It embodies all the emotions I feel. Maybe it gives me some sort of home that amongst all these things that I feel I will one day find peace. That one day I will feel like I am living a life as apposed to watching life go by me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8a4iiOnzsc
Much love my friends,
Abby
